Hello Lovely Readers!
Before continuing, let me first remind us that laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease. It also triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. To this effect, here are 10 Funny and Best Jokes for you.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.
“Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
An old farmer drove to a neighbor’s and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, “Is your Dad home?”
The boy replied, “No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
The farmer said, “Well, is your Mother here?”
The boy said, “No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
The farmer said, “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
The boy said, “No sir, He won’t be back until tomorrow.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, “Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or I can give someone a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment, “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so improper that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it. After a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you doctors are, ” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the doctor.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!”
“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the doctor……. “MY ROLEX IS GONE!”
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “I think my friend is dead! What do I do?”
The operator, in calm, soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line, “OK, now what?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. A few hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says, “Someone stole our tent!”
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What powerful rivers!”
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord bless this food for which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
I was all depressed last night, so I called “Lifeline”.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress.” she whispered sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”
He never heard the gunshot.
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